The trap of self pity

I read an amazing daily devotional called Jesus Calling. Today's reading was about being on the guard against self-pity, especially when you are weary and unwell. Its a dangerous pit to fall into.

I am so emotionally drained. And, I am now sick with a pesky cold that has been hanging around for over a week. I am tired. And so stressed. And, I started falling into that pit of self pity.

We continue to have serious, serious issues with J's case. I find myself losing my perspective at times because the issues are so serious and yet the current case plan continues. Are these things as serious as I think they are? I reach out to my friends, ad neuseam, as sounding boards (sorry, friends, you must be so sick of my texts!). But, yes, they are that serious. They are that scary. J is in that much danger.

I find myself thinking WHY can't things just be a little easier? Why can't we just keep him safe. Why is my family going through this? Why is J having to go through this? How can I possibly handle the stress of handing over my precious little boy each week to go to where he is most definitely not safe.

I have fallen into that pit. But, God never said things in life would be easy. In fact, He says there will be many struggles.

There is a plan here. I need to keep my eyes fixed on God. He will give me the endurance to run the race that is set before me, without stumbling or falling.

We are so blessed to have the support and prayers of our family, church, and friends. We would very much appreciate your continued prayers.

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrew 12:1

Sunday

We went to church today. As is our routine, Moo went to his kid's experience and Baby J and I went to worship and sing together. I take him to his group after we sing together. He raises his hands in worship and cuddles into me. It is an amazing bonding experience we share every Sunday.

The worship experience today was raw. The singing was amazing. Many tears were shed. My sadness ebbed and flowed. My hope ebbed and flowed. I poured my prayers to Jesus. They were direct and honest and raw.

I came home exhausted. I napped and could have slept all day. But, a Super Bowl party called our names.

I spoke with his CASA worker tonight. It was a promising conversation.

We are holding on for the roller coaster ride that is foster care. But, J is worth this ride. He is worth the sadness and anger and feeling of powerlessness. He is worth the hope and the tears and the unknowns. He is worth the sleepless nights and the anxiety and fear.

This is in God's hands.

Egypt

My pastor gave an amazing talk today at church. Our current series is "Its a Wonderful Story", leading up to the most amazing story, Jesus' birth. Today, he spoke about Joseph's story and his journey to Egypt. The talk was all about how Egypt is the place where dreams die, but also a place where dreams comes true. My pastor told the story of Joseph, who was betrayed by his family, sold into slavery into Egypt, falsely accused of a crime, imprisoned, then vindicated when he became a close confidant to the leader of Egypt (I might have a few details wrong- I am so not a biblical scholar). He spoke about (a) how Egypt was lonely, (b) how it was about being in slavery and bound to the whims of others, (c) how Egypt is foreign, (d) how one can waver in their faith while stuck in Egypt or continue to trust in God completely, and (e) how one can be stuck in Egypt for a long time. Obviously it was a metaphor for our difficult journeys in life.

This spoke so strongly to me in regards to our current journey in foster care. We are SO stuck in Egypt!

A. It is lonely, like being stuck in Egypt. I vent to my friends (and to some of them, they must cringe when I text them yet again about the ridiculousness of this case). But, regardless of how much I am supported by others, it is very difficult for them to understand. This journey is so lonely. It is so difficult for anyone not involved in foster care to understand! And, at the end of the day, I am left alone with all the issues involved in this case.

B. We are enslaved to "The System" and the whims of those who make the decisions. Most involved in this case knows that unsupervised visits are so damaging to J's well-being, but they continue because of the whims of this judge. J is bound by this court-order to continue being unsupervised with his mother, despite a huge amount of evidence that this is not in his best interest.

C. We are stuck in a world that is foreign. Who can understand a system that is bound by red tape that continues to put a small child in a dangerous situation, week after week. Who can understand a world that continues to expose a child to trauma week after week after week. This is so foreign to us; we want to keep him safe. In this land, he is not safe.

D. This foreign world can so easily test our faith. I can stamp my feet and get angry at God because He is not protecting this child. Or, I can place my trust in God, and know that His will be done. This can test my faith, or strengthen it. I choose for it to strengthen my faith. I also choose to find joy during this journey.

E. And wow, have we been stuck in Egypt for a long time. My J has been stuck in Egypt for 30 months, my family for 21 months. We are all ready to LEAVE!

But, as my pastor ended his talk today, Egypt can also be a place where dreams come true! The journey in this foreign land can be an opportunity to find new strength and renewed faith in God. It can strengthen our relationship with Jesus. Like Joseph, who saw his family again after being betrayed by them and who was rescued, we will also be led from this land and see our dreams come true. And, being stuck in this land will strengthen our faith and strengthen our family. J will survive and with God's help and our help, he will prosper. My family will prosper because of our resolve and our faith. This journey in this foreign land will strengthen us. I look forward to our dream coming true.

#lifechurchjersey, #itsawonderfulstory

The Baby That Almost Was (in My House)

So, on Tuesday I found out about a newborn in my county needing placement. My name was "out there" as interested in the newborn (who was in the hospital, dealing with issues related to his "birth history".) It was by no means a sure thing, but the opportunity for an infant needing a placement was there. And that is something. So, of course, I got my hopes up. I let myself dream. I researched what I expected his special needs to be. I prayed...oh, did I pray. I even saved on Amazon a special swing I though would be good for what I thought his particular needs would be. I considered the time I might take off from work, and how I would afford this (my tax rebate supplementing the loss in my salary, etc.).  My Moo is already primed for taking in a foster baby or little one, because its a line of dialogue I keep open with him, and he knows we are working on a possible adoption (although he knows an adoption will not happen until he starts kindergarten, at least) . He even asked me today, when I was taking him to daycare, if his baby would come to school with him (this was completely on his own accord, because I did not mention this possible opportunity to him). I love my Moo's heart. He wants a little one too! Actually, he has told me he would like a "brown" baby boy and a "red" (he calls my skin complexion red) little girl. That will be a tall order to fill!!!

But, I found out today the baby was placed with another family. And, again, I am disappointed. I was pretty bummed for several hours after I found out. Then, I found a place for my disappointment. This baby wasn't meant for us. There is another child out there that is meant for us.

And, I did not actually get a call for this baby. So, the "3rd call is a charm for 2013" is still open. Who knows what will happen next week, or the week after that, or the month after that! We don't even have our home study completed yet, and our search for an adoptive placement through this avenue hasn't even begun.

A newborn would have been very nice, though. Sigh.

1st Home Study Visit

I had my first home study visit today! It went okay. Actually, it was a bit anti-climatic and I feel let down now that it is over. I found out their network program isn't exactly what I am looking for, but there is still another person I need to talk to that will give me more information, so its not time to be disappointed yet.

The route I am going, there are a lot of unknowns. I will need to do a lot of networking and a lot of the leg work. I WILL eventually end up with a child, but its not like a typical agency adoption. When you go through an agency, you can request a specific age and even gender, and pretty much know that this is what you will get. My route, though, is MUCH less certain. My dream has always been to adopt internationally, but this is so far out of my reach financially. I feel strongly about adopting domestically, though. I know there are children in the US, especially special needs children, who need loving homes just as much as kids abroad do. And, I know God has our child picked out for us and His timing is perfect. I keep reminding myself that if I had stuck with international adoption I would not have my precious Moo!

 I just wish there weren't so many unknowns with my adoption route! It is what I feel God is leading me to pursue, though, and I have to place my trust in Him. I feel so strongly that am I meant to adopt a child with some special needs from the US.

And so begin the roller coaster ride that is adoption. There are so many highs and lows!

Another Call!

I got another call yesterday...but I feel like the hands of fate just do not want me to get a placement right now. Last time they called I was out of town. Yesterday when they called I missed the call because I was resting with my sick child. Oh, well. Moo is pretty sick and this made it not such a good day to take a new placement. Maybe the third call of 2013 will work out.

People in the fostering world say when a placement doesn't work out that there is a reason for it. Maybe there is a special child out there just for us and these no-go placements just weren't for us. Maybe we are meant to go the adoption route and not foster. Who knows. I keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect.

A sick Moo being cuddled by our dog Cooper.

Home Study Scheduled!

I got a call yesterday from my home study agency. The social worker assigned to me will come out next Saturday for the first of 3 visits! Let the house cleaning commence. She called to schedule the visit on Moo's Gotcha Day, which is a good omen in my book.


Here is a cute picture of Moo. He fell asleep while looking out the window, waiting for the UPS truck to come with his Gotcha Day gift. So cute!