Saturday, August 30, 2014


The ghosts pushed you down. Yes they did. Get up, boy.

Words said to a 2 year old. My his mom. On an unsupervised visit.

Then, they played a game where they smacked each other's butts.

This was videotaped and put on social media.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Feeling worn down

I am feeling so worn down lately. The system and how is is affecting my little J is wearing me down. This kid is a hot mess right now, and it is so difficult to manage within a system that needs to continually expose him to what is exacerbating his already challenging behaviors. Parental rights are more important right now than his rights, and that is just not right.

This sweet baby is falling apart. I am here to try and pick up the pieces, but week after week after week his behaviors get worse.

I understand WHY he is acting out, but there is only so much I can do to help him. And it is so unfair that he is continually being exposed to all he is being exposed to.

I have therapists and teachers telling me how severe his behaviors are. They are recommending neurologists and developmental pediatricians and 1:1 aides. He will probably need a special education preschool in a few months when he turns 3 because he is completely incapable of functioning in a typical preschool classroom. His behaviors have escalated to this degree just since June, so its been a little over 2 months.

I appreciate that therapists are seeing what I see. I wasn't sure if I had lost my objectivity and was exaggerating his issues. Apparently they are as bad as I think they are.

We are all getting worn down. Moo, me, and Baby J. I am doing all I can do to help him. I am in touch with all the members of his team: caseworkers, nurse, CASA worker, law guardian, pediatrician. But, until certain things change, this is going to continue to get worse.


Hearing tomorrow

I read this online today: Children must not languish indefinitely in foster care while a birth parent attempts to correct the conditions that resulted in an out-of-home placement. A child cannot be held prisoner of the rights of others, even those of his or her parents. Children have their own rights, including the right to a permanent, safe and stable placement.

Yes...after being in the system for 28 months, and in out-of-home placement for 19 months, J deserves permanency. He deserves for his rights to be the priority.
He has a right not to languish in foster care just so that bio mom is given even more time to correct the conditions that resulted in him being in the system. 28 months is more than an adequate amount of time to correct these issues.

There is a hearing on his case tomorrow. Please send positive thoughts that those involved in his case are able to puts his needs first. Please pray for wisdom for all involved.

He has had a very tough 6 weeks. I hope that those involved in his case express this to the judge and that some things change. This child needs to stop being exposed to what he is being exposed to currently.

He deserves this. He has a right to safety. He has a right to permanency.

Edited to add: nothing changed in his case. Everything remained the same. This is both good and bad.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Surgery, Take 5

Poor J. He had his surgery rescheduled for the 4th time today. This time because of illness. We will try again in 4 weeks or so.

His 1st surgery was rescheduled because of PICU admit, next rescheduling was because of not being cleared by pulmonologist, next rescheduling was because of insurance issues, and this brings us to the current rescheduling.

Maybe someone is trying to tell us J should not have this surgery?

In other news, he got a new CASA, after I called and asked what happened with his other CASA who has not contacted us in months (seems she resigned, but no one told me).  A CASA is a court appointed special advocate, who main job is to advocate for the child. J needs an advocate for him. Just for him. I can't say much more about why I feel he needs a CASA, except to say things are changing in his case. And, after 27 months of this case being open, this baby needs permanency. 

Friday, June 6, 2014

Oh, the stress!

Things have been crazy stressful around here for the past few months.

We have had J's dad's tragic death, all kinds of craziness related to that, serious issues with Moo's educational setting and lots of craziness related to that, behavioral and developmental issues for J, behavioral issues for Moo which stem from the previously mentioned educational issues, health issues for Moo (probably not too serious, but possibly so serious I can't keep the thought in my mind for more than a few seconds), and continued health issues for J. Plus, bio momma drama. We can also throw in all kinds of crazy pressures from my job, thanks to the new requirements of my state's education department. Like, ridiculous amounts of paperwork. And, the damn grass needs to be cut about every 5 days. Seriously, stop growing! I am tired of cutting my grass with a baby strapped to my back!

So, my head feels like it is going to continually pop off because it is one thing after another after another after another.

I have a sick kid, another kid that has serious things happening to him that are as yet unexplained, behavioral issues, developmental issues, DCPP issues, job issues, parenting issues, and several other things that can't be mentioned on this public blog. You get the idea.

Oh, and my poor little dog got mauled a few weeks ago. As if we weren't dealing with enough. Thankfully, he is ok now.

My stress level is through the roof. I play my worship music, hoping for inspiration. I pray "Jesus" over and over again when my mind is too overwhelmed to form any other type of prayer.

It has been very rough these last few months. But, my babies are worth every last bit of stress I have experienced. And, I live and learn. I keep on keeping on, because what choice do I have. I need to be the best mommy I can be for my beautiful little men.

Really, though. We are due a break!

Sunday, May 11, 2014

1st Mother's Day Flop

This was the 1st Mother's Day that Moo did the typical adopted-child sabotage.

Many adopted children have a really hard time on Mother's Day. Its such a loaded day and tough on our kids for so many different reasons.

I have to admit, though, that this hit me out of the blue. I wasn't expecting it.

I should have known it was going to be a tough day, though, when he couldn't even say the words "Happy Mother's Day" to me this morning. He said them with his mouth closed. This was odd to me. When it was my birthday, he ran in and woke me up with a kiss and a hug and a big happy birthday wish. Not today. That was my 1st clue.

He was disobedient and had tantrums and was disobedient and had more tantrums. He gave me such a hard time, all day long.

I am sad tonight; partly because I didn't have such a great day but mostly because my Moo was obviously struggling with the day. And I didn't handle it very well.

Next year I will be better prepared. Better yet, next year we will skip the celebrating of this day.

Being an adoptive parent is definitely not easy. But, its so so worth it. My baby boy is worth it. We will figure this out.

"A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of the privilege are not lost on me." - Jody Landers

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Freakin' Texts

I am very pro open adoption (meaning contact between adoptive and 1st parents). I have an open relationship with Moo's parents, and it has worked out well. That's not to say we haven't have our issues, but that is par for this course, and it's pretty good now. I love messaging his mom, telling her his latest accomplishments in school, or that he lost a tooth, or how much he loves dancing (to which she says, "he got that from me", and that is fun to share with Moo, because he sure as hell didn't get it from me!!!).

But, wow, trying to navigate an open relationship with J's mom is stressssssing me out. I gave her my mobile number, on the recommendation of our caseworker. The thought was it would begin to develop a relationship between us, because J's case plan is adoption, and an open adoption relationship may be in our future. But wow, this is not working out for me. At all.

She texts me directives all the time. Take the baby outside. Pack him snacks. Put more diapers in his visit bag. Texts at 11 at nights, telling me to kiss her babyboy good night and tell him how much she loves him. Texts telling me has has plans for her baby and his new baby half-brother to take pictures on Easter day. Texts telling me I am not welcome at the next fundraiser planned for his deceased father's family.

This isn't working for me.

I hoped that giving her my number would foster a positive relationship between us. This is not what is happening. And it is causing me undo stress. I am ready to take a step back, until this baby's permanency is determined.

We are having a meeting to discuss boundaries next week. THAT should be so much fun!!!

This thought just occurred to me: J's mom is hellbent on getting him back. So, the original intent on her and I communicating was for us to foster a relationship so that the eventual adoption could be open. But, if this is not a possibility in her mind, then she is his mom and I am absolutely not and never will be, and she will continue to tell me what do to with her child. Perhaps she is just unable to accept my role in her child's life, so will continue to assert  her parental authority. This openness was presented to me as a beginning to an open adoption. Maybe to her, its a foster parent-to-parent relationship. And she is doing nothing disrespectful in telling me what to do.

Geesh, there are just no rules for this. And it is not easy. I have had J more than half his life; I am his day-to-day mom. But she IS his mom. Navigating this dynamic is just so hard.