Friday, November 14, 2014

The Enemy

Its hard to be the enemy. I understand why I am considered the enemy, but that doesn't make it any easier. I guess it shouldn't matter, but it does.

I overheard a conversation in court. It took place in a public area between bio mom and her attorney and I guess they didn't see me sitting there. It was all about "she said this" and "she said that" and "she wasn't there" and "the OTHER MOMMY"...unfortunately I wasn't able to hear most of the details, but the tone they were using when referring to me was not kind.

One of the comments I heard was "if she is so into him, then she should be there". I know they were discussing the ONE appointment I asked the CW to go to for me so I didn't miss another day of work. I missed one of the 65 appointments he has had, but CW brought biomom to it. So, I was being dissed for missing this appointment. I wonder if it was brought up that CW and biomom were so late to the appointment that it was cancelled, as in it never happened, so she didn't actually go to it. 

I am the enemy. She needs someone to blame. I get that. But, it doesn't mean it doesn't bother me. I should probably let it slide off my very thick skin.

But, its tough to be treated like the enemy when I have devoted my life to this kid for 22 months. I give him the best of care. I attend to his every special need. His medical and therapeutic needs take up an incredible amount of my time. He is worth all this and more. He deserves the best care possible. He is so very loved.

So, hearing myself being spoken about so negatively is tough.

Biomom wouldn't even look at me when we were waiting for the case to be heard. She didn't think I should be there. But, I showed up, because he matters.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Lets start to get real

I took down all my old posts. We are getting very close to TPR trial, and I didn't want to risk anything (although I worked hard to keep confidentiality, you never know how people can spin things).

But, I need to get real tonight. Because I am very very quickly losing my patience with "the system". To be clear, I am sick of my little boy being traumatized. SO much has happened that I wish I could share, for the sake of letting others know how broken the system really is and how much it hurts these precious, innocent little children.

My guy had a visit today. The visit coordinator and I texted back and forth numerous times earlier this week to determine the time of his pick up (read: bio mom KNEW when this visit was); it was in the middle of his nap, but that was all that worked for all involved. So, his nap was interrupted. He was put in a van and driven 40 minutes to her home. She no-showed. He was driven another 40 minutes back to daycare. Then, in the 60 minutes or so that he was at daycare before I picked him up, he let everyone know how very very mad he was that this all happened. He used vulgar language (yup, something he has been doing since these visits started) and was aggressive towards his friends. He is two, and this is how he shows his BIG feelings (he is getting numerous different therapies to address these serious issues). He was a mess at home. I made his world very small. I ordered in dinner and we had a pizza party and movie night. I didn't move much from the floor next to him all night. I told him how much I loved him and that he was safe and loved and safe and loved.

I wish I could share why I keep telling him how much he is safe and loved and safe and loved. I can't, though. But it is really not good.

My poor precious little boy.

He is traumatized. He is being more broken and more broken.

This child need permanency. 29 months in the system is too much.

God bless this kid.

Friday, February 22, 2013

The Baby That Almost Was (in My House)

So, on Tuesday I found out about a newborn in my county needing placement. My name was "out there" as interested in the newborn (who was in the hospital, dealing with issues related to his "birth history".) It was by no means a sure thing, but the opportunity for an infant needing a placement was there. And that is something. So, of course, I got my hopes up. I let myself dream. I researched what I expected his special needs to be. I prayed...oh, did I pray. I even saved on Amazon a special swing I though would be good for what I thought his particular needs would be. I considered the time I might take off from work, and how I would afford this (my tax rebate supplementing the loss in my salary, etc.).  My Moo is already primed for taking in a foster baby or little one, because its a line of dialogue I keep open with him, and he knows we are working on a possible adoption (although he knows an adoption will not happen until he starts kindergarten, at least) . He even asked me today, when I was taking him to daycare, if his baby would come to school with him (this was completely on his own accord, because I did not mention this possible opportunity to him). I love my Moo's heart. He wants a little one too! Actually, he has told me he would like a "brown" baby boy and a "red" (he calls my skin complexion red) little girl. That will be a tall order to fill!!!

But, I found out today the baby was placed with another family. And, again, I am disappointed. I was pretty bummed for several hours after I found out. Then, I found a place for my disappointment. This baby wasn't meant for us. There is another child out there that is meant for us.

And, I did not actually get a call for this baby. So, the "3rd call is a charm for 2013" is still open. Who knows what will happen next week, or the week after that, or the month after that! We don't even have our home study completed yet, and our search for an adoptive placement through this avenue hasn't even begun.

A newborn would have been very nice, though. Sigh.

Monday, February 18, 2013

1st Home Study Visit

I had my first home study visit today! It went okay. Actually, it was a bit anti-climatic and I feel let down now that it is over. I found out their network program isn't exactly what I am looking for, but there is still another person I need to talk to that will give me more information, so its not time to be disappointed yet.

The route I am going, there are a lot of unknowns. I will need to do a lot of networking and a lot of the leg work. I WILL eventually end up with a child, but its not like a typical agency adoption. When you go through an agency, you can request a specific age and even gender, and pretty much know that this is what you will get. My route, though, is MUCH less certain. My dream has always been to adopt internationally, but this is so far out of my reach financially. I feel strongly about adopting domestically, though. I know there are children in the US, especially special needs children, who need loving homes just as much as kids abroad do. And, I know God has our child picked out for us and His timing is perfect. I keep reminding myself that if I had stuck with international adoption I would not have my precious Moo!

 I just wish there weren't so many unknowns with my adoption route! It is what I feel God is leading me to pursue, though, and I have to place my trust in Him. I feel so strongly that am I meant to adopt a child with some special needs from the US.

And so begin the roller coaster ride that is adoption. There are so many highs and lows!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Another Call!

I got another call yesterday...but I feel like the hands of fate just do not want me to get a placement right now. Last time they called I was out of town. Yesterday when they called I missed the call because I was resting with my sick child. Oh, well. Moo is pretty sick and this made it not such a good day to take a new placement. Maybe the third call of 2013 will work out.

People in the fostering world say when a placement doesn't work out that there is a reason for it. Maybe there is a special child out there just for us and these no-go placements just weren't for us. Maybe we are meant to go the adoption route and not foster. Who knows. I keep reminding myself that God's timing is perfect.

A sick Moo being cuddled by our dog Cooper.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Home Study Scheduled!

I got a call yesterday from my home study agency. The social worker assigned to me will come out next Saturday for the first of 3 visits! Let the house cleaning commence. She called to schedule the visit on Moo's Gotcha Day, which is a good omen in my book.

Here is a cute picture of Moo. He fell asleep while looking out the window, waiting for the UPS truck to come with his Gotcha Day gift. So cute!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

5 Years Ago Today...

5 years ago today I got the most amazing phone call of my life. A 10 day old baby was unable to leave the hospital with his first parents...they asked if I was able to take him into my home to love and care for him.  Ohmygoodness Ohmygoodness Ohmygoodness "Oh! Yes!". 7 hours later I met my little man for the first time. In the adoption world, this is know as a "Gotcha Day". This day is usually joyful...but I am always mindful that one of the the happiest days of my life was a very sad day for my son's first parents.

This is a picture of the evening sky the day that my Moo came to me. I love this picture. Silly me did not have a camera the day he came, so this is the only picture I have of this incredibly special day. A good friend took it for me and framed it as a very special gift (thanks L!).

One of my earliest pictures of Moo...just look at that beautiful little face!!! He is 13 days old here.